Trial By Landsmeet
by Helena L
Summary: A full-length song parody of the Gilbert & Sullivan operetta 'Trial by Jury'. The Wardens have called a Landsmeet to denounce Loghain and install Alistair as king, but Queen Anora is most unwilling to give up her throne. Can this totally fair and unbiased Landsmeet find a solution that will satisfy everybody?


_A/N: Because the world needs more Dragon Age / Gilbert & Sullivan crossovers. So say I, at least.  
_

_This is a full-length parody of the G&S operetta 'Trial by Jury', starring the cast of Dragon Age: Origins. The original words and music, for those who aren't familiar with them, can be found at the Gilbert and Sullivan Archive through the link in my profile._

_A couple of notes: The Warden in this piece is not the same one who appears in my other Landsmeet stories, but he is also a male Human Noble (otherwise the ending doesn't really work). Also, 'Teyrn' should be pronounced roughly as 'tern' (the pronunciation in-game is inconsistent)._

* * *

**TRIAL BY LANDSMEET**

(_At the palace in Denerim, the capital city, the nobles of Ferelden are gathered for the Landsmeet._)

CHORUS  
Hark, the trumpets loud are sounding;  
Hearts with anxious fears are bounding.  
Royal Palace, crowds surrounding,  
Breathing hope and fear.

For today, with our accordance,  
On a charge of grave importance,  
Loghain and his foes the Wardens  
Shortly will appear.

Hark, the trumpets loud are sounding;  
Hearts with anxious fears are bounding.  
Royal Palace, crowds surrounding,  
Breathing hope and fear!

(_ARL EAMON steps up to address the crowd._)

EAMON  
Now, Banns and Arls, hear my advice,  
All kinds of vulgar prejudice  
From here must be expelled,  
From here must be expelled.  
With just and moral frame of mind,  
From bias free of every kind,  
This Landsmeet must be held!

CHORUS  
From bias free of every kind,  
This Landsmeet must be held!

EAMON  
Silence in court! Silence!

Oh, listen to the Wardens' case,  
And picture your sons in the place  
Of those the darkspawn felled.  
Condole with their distress of mind!  
From bias free of every kind,  
This Landsmeet must be held!

CHORUS  
From bias free of every kind,  
This Landsmeet must be held!

EAMON  
Silence in court! Silence!

EAMON  
And when amid their anguished cries,  
The treacherous Teyrn Loghain tries  
To see his rule upheld,  
What he may say you needn't mind;  
From bias free of every kind,  
This Landsmeet must be held!

CHORUS  
From bias free of every kind,  
This Landsmeet must be held!

EAMON  
Silence in court! Silence in court!

(_Enter the WARDEN with ALISTAIR, LELIANA and their other companions._)

WARDEN  
Is this the Royal Palace chamber?

CHORUS  
It is!

WARDEN  
I sense approaching danger!  
I must proceed from here with caution.

CHORUS  
Who are you?

WARDEN  
I'm a Grey Warden!

CHORUS  
Traitor,dread our punishment.  
We're the Landsmeet!  
Here the banns meet!

WARDEN  
Hear me, hear me, if you please.  
These are very strange proceedings –  
For, permit me to remark,  
On the merits of my pleadings  
You're at present in the dark.

CHORUS  
That's a very true remark –  
On the merits of his pleadings  
We're entirely in the dark.  
Ha, ha! Ho, ho!  
Ha, ha! Ho, ho!

(_LELIANA strums a lute as the WARDEN begins to sing._)

WARDEN  
When first a Warden I became  
My bosom welled with pride.  
To Ostagar with Duncan I came,  
Fighting at Cailan's side!  
Against the darkspawn hordes we faced  
His soldiers fought and died,  
To light the signal we Wardens raced,  
Fighting for Cailan's side!  
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank,

CHORUS  
Tink-a-tank!

WARDEN  
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank,

CHORUS  
Tink-a-tank!

WARDEN  
To light the signal we Wardens raced,  
Fighting for Cailan's side!

But Loghain quit the field that day,  
And led his troops aside.  
King Cailan perished in the fray,  
Duncan at his side.  
To keep the truth from the Bannorn's ears,  
He's schemed and murdered and lied,  
So now I stand before you here  
To tell the other side!  
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank,

CHORUS  
Tink-a-tank!

WARDEN  
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank,

CHORUS  
Tink-a-tank!

WARDEN  
At last I stand before you here  
To tell the other side!

CHORUS  
Tink-a-tank!

MEN  
Oh, I've heard that story as well,  
But 'till it's been proved it's just tattle.  
No witnesses are there to tell  
What really took place in that battle.  
It is clear to us all in this place  
That Loghain's become a dictator,  
But how can we possibly face  
Declaring our hero a traitor?

He shall certainly die  
If this isn't a lie,  
Singing so angrily – Loghain shall die!  
He shall die! He shall die!  
Singing so angrily – Loghain shall die!

ALL  
He shall die! He shall die!  
Singing so angrily – Loghain shall die!  
He shall die! He shall die!  
Singing so angrily – he shall die!

(_Enter TEYRN LOGHAIN along with his guards and SER CAUTHRIEN._)

CAUTHRIEN  
Silence in court!  
Silence in court!  
And all attention lend.  
Behold your Teyrn!  
In due submission bend!

CHORUS  
All hail the Regent;  
To his decree  
We never will consent  
To bend the knee.  
All hail, all hail,  
All hail, all hail, all hail!  
Let him defend  
His actions here,  
And bring an end  
To strife and fear!  
All hail, all hail,  
All hail, all hail, all hail!

LOGHAIN  
For these harsh wordsI give no thanks, but say  
The Warden's schemes I will oppose today.  
But firstly, if my story you'll not spurn,  
I'll tell you how I came to be a Teyrn.

CHORUS  
He'll tell us how he came to be a Teyrn.

LOGHAIN  
I'll tell you how,

CHORUS  
He'll tell us how,

LOGHAIN  
I'll tell you how,

CHORUS  
He'll tell us how he came to be a Teyrn.

LOGHAIN  
Let me speak!

CHORUS  
Let him speak!

LOGHAIN  
Let me speak!

CHORUS  
Let him speak!

LOGHAIN  
Let me speak!

CHORUS (_getting quieter_)  
Yes, let him speak.  
Hush, hush! He speaks.  
Hush, hush! He speaks.  
Hush! Hush!  
(_Very loudly_) HE'LL TELL US HOW, TELL US HOOOOOOOOW!

EAMON  
SILENCE IN COURT!

LOGHAIN  
When I, good friends, was but a young man,  
I was only a simple farmer,  
Who never dreamed of glory and power  
Or knights in shining armour.  
But the foul Orlesians occupied our land,  
From our own homes we were driven,  
So my family joined an outlaw band,  
And we swore they'd not be forgiven!

CHORUS  
So his family joined an outlaw band  
And he swore they'd not be forgiven!

LOGHAIN  
One day I met another young man  
On the run from spies and traitors,  
Who'd fled his fate at the treacherous hands  
Of base collaborators.  
His name was Maric of the Theirin line,  
A rebel Prince in hiding;  
So we joined his army,and at his sign  
To war we all went riding!

CHORUS  
So they joined his army,and at his sign  
To war they all went riding!

LOGHAIN  
The rebel Prince was dashing and bold;  
Round him the folks all rallied,  
We robbed our foes of weapons and gold  
And forth to battle we sallied.  
Maric placed our armies into my bold hands;  
I led our troops in battle,  
'Til an enemy spy revealed our plans  
And they mowed us all down like cattle!

CHORUS (_shocked_)  
'Til an enemy spy revealed their plans  
And they mowed them all down like cattle!

LOGHAIN  
The few of us left,we hurried away  
From that place of death and slaughter,  
And took our revenge one glorious day  
When Orlesian blood flowed like water.  
The cruel chevaliers earned their just reward –  
Defeat and catastrophe –  
And I stole the commander's armour and sword  
As a souvenir battle trophy!

CHORUS  
And he stole the commander's armour and sword  
As a souvenir battle trophy!

LOGHAIN  
At length our efforts overcame  
The Orlesian occupation,  
And we achieved our ultimate aim:  
The freedom of our nation.  
King Maric valued my strength and skill,  
As his right hand he chose me…  
And now, if you please, I'm ready to kill  
All those who dare oppose me!

CHORUS  
And now, if you please, he's ready to kill  
All those who dare oppose him!

LOGHAIN  
For now I'm a Teyrn!

CHORUS  
And a (good)/(bad) Teyrn, too!

(_Throughout the rest of the song, the chorus shout "good" or "bad" according to their sympathies._)

LOGHAIN  
Yes, now I'm a Teyrn!

CHORUS  
And a good Teyrn, too!

LOGHAIN  
Though all the land may burn,  
Yet I'll never, never learn,  
But I'll live and die a Teyrn!

CHORUS  
And a good Teyrn, too!

LOGHAIN  
It was managed by a job –

CHORUS  
And a good job too!

LOGHAIN  
It was managed by a job –

CHORUS  
And a good job too!

LOGHAIN  
It is patent to the mob  
That my being made a nob  
Was effected by a job.

CHORUS  
And a good job too!

(_EAMON and CAUTHRIEN step forward._)

EAMON  
Swear thou the Landsmeet!

CAUTHRIEN  
Kneel, noblemen, oh, kneel!

(_They kneel._)

EAMON  
O, will you swear by yonder skies,  
Whatever question may arise  
'Twixt rich and poor, 'twixt low and high,  
That you to seek the truth will try.

MEN  
To all of this we make reply,  
To all of this we make reply,  
By the red taint of yonder sky:  
That we to seek the truth will try.

CHORUS  
We will well and truly try!

(_During the playout, LOGHAIN approaches the WARDEN._)

LOGHAIN  
Where is my daughter?  
Let her now be brought!

EAMON  
Oh, Queen Anora,  
Come thou to the court!  
Queen Anora!

WARDEN  
Queen Anora!

EAMON  
Queen Anoooooooooora!

WARDEN  
Queen Anoooooooooo-

EAMON  
-ra!

WOMEN  
Comes the grieving widow,  
Comes the noble Queen.  
Fairest flower amid all  
Those our land has seen!  
Our support, O lady,  
You can count upon.  
Fear no prospect shady  
Now that Cailan's gone,  
Now that Cailan's gone!

Have no regrets for what has been;  
Happy, happy be thy life, O Queen!  
Have no regrets for what has been;  
Happy be thy life, O Queen!  
Happy be thy life, O Queen!  
Happy, happy be thy life, O Queen!

(_Enter ANORA._)

ANORA  
Father has betrayed me,  
And usurped the throne.  
Called to Cailan's aid, he  
Left him to die alone.  
He cannot be trusted,  
This to me is clear.  
He, and not the Warden  
Is the one to fear,  
Is the one to fear.  
No time to weep for what has been;  
I must claim the throne as Queen!

WOMEN  
Have no regrets for what has been;  
Happy be thy life, O Queen!  
Happy be thy life, O Queen!  
Happy, happy be thy life, O Queen!

WARDEN  
Oh, never, never, never  
Since I joined the human race,  
Saw I so exquisitely fair a face!

MEN  
Ah, sly dog! Ah, sly dog!

WARDEN  
How say you,  
Would she not be quite a capture?

BANN SIGHARD (_after consulting with the others_)  
We've but one word, my lord,  
And that is: Rapture!

ANORA  
Your kindness, gentlemen, quite overpowers!

MEN  
We love you fondly, and would make you ours!

WOMEN  
Ah, sly dogs! Ah, sly dogs!

MEN  
We love you fondly, and would make you,  
Would make you ours!

ALL (_to LOGHAIN_)  
Traitor! Traitor! Dread our rages,  
For your sins you've earned your wages!  
Come, merciless punishment!  
Merciless punishment!  
Punishment!  
Pun-

EAMON  
Silence in court!

WARDEN  
May it please you, my lords!  
Noblemen of the Landsmeet!  
With a sense of deep emotion,  
I approach this painful case;  
For I never had a notion  
That a man could be so base,  
Or deceive his only daughter –  
Send her husband to the slaughter!

CHORUS  
He deceived his only daughter –  
Sent her husband to the slaughter!

WARDEN  
See our well-beloved Queen Consort,  
Victim of a heartless scheme;  
See the traitor's vicious onslaught  
Raise him up to power supreme!  
She relied on him to guide her,  
Trusted him to rule beside her.

CHORUS  
She relied on him to guide her,  
Trusted him to rule beside her.

WARDEN  
Swiftly followed civil war  
And a host of gruesome tales,  
Torture, slavery and more,  
Darkest deeds beyond the pale!  
Loghain tried to poison Eamon;  
Filled the Circle tower with demons!

CHORUS  
Loghain tried to poison Eamon;  
Filled the Circle tower with demons!

WARDEN  
Picture her to Father going,  
And insisting he explain;  
Picture him his daughter throwing  
Into prison, for his gain!  
She would not do as he willed her,  
So her father would have killed her!

CHORUS  
She would not do as he willed her,  
So her father would have killed her!

(_Anora begins to cry._)

WARDEN (_to Anora_)  
Cheer up, my lady –  
Oh, cheer up!

MEN  
Cheer up, cheer up,  
Dear lady!

ANORA  
Ah, me! Ah, me!

MEN  
Cheer up, cheer up,  
Dear lady!

ANORA  
Ah, me! Ah, me!

ARL WULFF  
That she's grief-stricken  
Is plain to see!

BANN SIGHARD (_to ANORA_)  
If cruel deeds sicken,  
Then turn to me!

ANORA  
I shall be better  
If left alone.

CHORUS (_shaking their fists at LOGHAIN_)  
Oh, vile blood-letter,  
Atone! Atone!

EAMON (_aside_)  
Just like her father  
She seems to be.

WARDEN (_to ANORA_)  
Or if you'd rather,  
Rely on me!

ARL WULFF  
For Loghain's daughter  
Reserve the throne!

CHORUS (_to LOGHAIN_)  
For this sad slaughter,  
Atone! Atone!  
(_shaking fists at LOGHAIN_)  
Traitor! Dread our rages,  
For your sins you've earned your wages!  
Traitor, traitor, dread our rages!

LOGHAIN  
Oh gentlemen, listen, I pray –  
Though my actions appear to be treason,  
The deeds you have heard of today,  
I would not have done without reason!  
One cannot make war without gold,  
Nor can this fair land be united  
When noblemen falsehoods are told,  
And to senseless rebellion incited.

Ah! Consider the moral, I pray,  
Nor bring a great General to sorrow,  
Who follows King Cailan today  
But pulls back his army tomorrow.

WOMEN  
Consider the moral, we pray,  
Nor bring a great General to sorrow,  
Who follows King Cailan today  
But pulls back his army tomorrow!

LOGHAIN (_indicating ALISTAIR_)  
This bastard may be Maric's son,  
But as King he would be a disaster.  
A puppet who'd dance to the tune  
Of some painted Orlesian paymaster!  
My daughter has ruled for five years,  
While Cailan just stood looking pretty.  
And Alistair Theirin, I fear,  
As a king would be equally… awful.

Ah! But if he's determined to rule,  
With honour the matter we'll settle;  
Let us prepare for a duel,  
And we'll try out this false Prince's mettle!

_(ALISTAIR begins to duel LOGHAIN, while the WARDEN confers with ANORA.)_

WOMEN  
But if he's determined to rule,  
With honour the matter they'll settle;  
Let them prepare for a duel,  
And we'll try out this young Prince's mettle!

_(Eventually, ALISTAIR defeats LOGHAIN and kills him. ANORA is upset; the WARDEN comforts her. The other nobles gather around them._)

WARDEN (_taking ANORA's hand_)  
I have a reasonable proposition,  
To which, I think, your Lordships may agree –

EAMON  
But I submit, my lords, with all submission,  
Anora is not true nobility!

Since King Calenhad took power  
In Ferelden's darkest hour,  
It's a thing that's quite unknown  
For commoners to take the throne!

WOMEN  
Oh, man of wisdom!

MEN  
Oh, man of wisdom!

EAMON  
A nice dilemma we have here,  
That calls for all our wit,  
For all our wit.

WARDEN  
And at this stage, it don't appear  
That we can settle it.

ALISTAIR  
If I the throne refuse to take,  
Anora 'twill surely be!

ANORA  
But though a well-loved Queen I'd make,  
I'm not nobility!

ALL  
A nice dilemma we have here,  
That calls for all our wit. (_repeat_)

EAMON  
Silence in court! Silence in court!

ANORA  
Ferelden, Ferelden!  
With duty unceasing,  
I've ruled it for more than five years.  
This land I have governed  
With effort increasing,  
Defended with blood, sweat and tears.  
Oh, see what devotion,  
What tireless promotion  
You'd lose to this weak-minded fool!  
Such chaos would follow,  
In blood we would wallow  
If I wasn't chosen to rule.  
Yes, I must rule!

ALISTAIR  
I'm hardly a leader,  
I can't make decisions,  
I couldn't take charge of a thing;  
I never could settle  
Disputes or divisions –  
I'd be such a very bad King!  
I'm not diplomatic  
Or aristocratic –  
At court I would feel like a fool!  
Though Maric's my father,  
I'd really much rather  
Anora was chosen to rule!

ANORA  
Yes, I must rule!

ALISTAIR  
I never could settle  
Disputes or divisions –

ANORA  
Ferelden, Ferelden!  
With duty unceasing,  
My country, I've ruled it for more than five years!  
My country, I've ruled it for more than five years!

WARDEN  
The question, gentlemen, is one of breeding;  
You ask for guidance – this is my response:  
He has the blood, and she's adept at leading –  
Let them get married, gentlemen, at once!

ALISTAIR  
With all respect,  
I do object!

ANORA  
I do object!

EAMON  
I don't object!

ALISTAIR  
With all respect,  
I do object!

ANORA  
I do object!

EAMON  
I don't object!

ALL  
With all respect,  
I do object, I do object, I do object!

WARDEN  
All the Maker's furies seize you,  
No proposal seems to please you!  
I can't stand round here all day –  
I've got darkspawn hordes to slay!  
Lords and ladies great and noble,  
Don't just stand there quite immobile.  
Eamon, friends and fellow Wardens,  
Put an end to your discordance!  
Lay your quarrels on the shelf;  
I will marry her myself!

ALL  
Ah!

(_ANORA rushes to join the WARDEN._)

ANORA  
Oh, joy unbounded,  
With wealth surrounded,  
The knell is sounded  
Of grief and woe.

EAMON  
With faith misguided,  
On her he's decided,  
My choice derided –  
But there we go!

ALISTAIR  
I wonder whether  
They'll rule together  
In marriage tether  
In honour true?

EAMON  
It seems to me, ser,  
For such as she, ser,  
A match he'll be, ser,  
And a good match too!

ALL  
Oh, joy unbounded,  
With wealth surrounded,  
The knell is sounded  
Of grief and woe.

ALISTAIR, EAMON & CHORUS  
It seems to me, ser,  
For such as she, ser,  
A match he'll be, ser,

ALL  
And a good match too!  
Oh, joy unbounded,  
With wealth surrounded,  
The knell is sounded  
Of grief and woe.

ALISTAIR, EAMON & CHORUS  
It seems to me, ser,  
For such as she, ser,  
A match he'll be, ser,

ALL  
And a good match too!

WARDEN  
For I'll be a King!

CHORUS  
And a good King too!

WARDEN  
Yes, I'll be a King!

CHORUS  
And a good King too!

WARDEN  
Our praises they will sing,  
And a Golden Age we'll bring,  
For I'll live and die a King!

CHORUS  
And a good King too!

WARDEN  
Though Eamon is a snob,

CHORUS  
And a great snob too!

WARDEN  
Though Eamon is a snob,

CHORUS  
And a great snob too!  
Though Eamon is a snob,  
Queen Anora we won't rob,  
But we'll let her keep her job –

ALL  
And a good job too!

_FIN_


End file.
